It’s amazing how the emotion can be so overwhelming! Right after I was free from my abuser, I was having this feelings somewhat great joy, great freedom, strength, anguish, the let-down, betrayal and being myself again-all at once. And because of the mixed emotion I had at the time, I was confused and discouraged of my then current situation but at the same time I was so positive that I would be able to cope it all.
Despite being so positive and tried to feel being normal again, I was so lost. I just can’t accept the fact that my best friend betrayed me. I have tried to understand her side and have investigated every angle what made her change of heart. Up until to this day I have no answer.
I assumed that she was scared herself to be getting involved in my own battle and did not want to help out or did not want to be a part of the chaos situation I was in. And maybe she too was pestered by her own conscience of what to do. Who knows what could have been!
Having a friend like her did not stop me from withdrawing myself from any social activities. Instead, I have reached out to others and made lots of friends.
While in the healing process of recovery, my then abuser tried to reconcile with me. Sent me a love letter from 2k miles away saying that he wants me back and that he was mortified of the things that he did, and that he wasn’t himself when he tried to strangle me, and that he was just scared that I would leave him.
You know what I did with his letter? Without hesitation I burnt it. I did not entertain my thoughts at all of getting back with him. He was one mentally strange individual. Nothing is ever going to be right with that man. Why would a woman like me who has been through a lot would go back with her abuser? I am not a loser so, No way Jose! If I do that, might as well burn myself to hell!
If only I had known then that there are help resources out there for battered woman, I would have not waited so long. If only I know then what I know now, I would have not suffered 31 months living in hell.
As the days came and went, healing takes time and it wasn't easy. Keeping my dreadful past to myself, wasn't helping at all. Though it was difficult to talk about it, I've tried to at least speak about it to family and friends but did not quiet give them the full details for I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.
I did not want them to feel sorry for me. It's just when I speak about it, I would start to shake and bothered because no one would understand what I went through. But I found out that it helps a lot telling people what that monster did to me. It has given me some sort of therapeutic relief.
I would like to share this to you that if you have been abused and got away from abuser and now living free of mental and physical pain, just remember healing takes time.
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