Foreigners: All You Need To Know Before Marrying Filipinas

Filipinas Beauty

If you are thrilled to death by your Filipina girlfriend and how good she makes you feel when you are with her, you are probably entertaining thoughts of taking things to the next level and popping the question to her. If wedding bells are ringing in your head, rest assured that if you are looking for a loyal partner who will take care of you in sickness or in health, you can't pick a better partner than a Filipina. And this is not just my Filipino bias showing through. The truth is, when it comes to global jobs that involve getting along with other people and serving people, Filipinos excel. Filipino culture places a heavy emphasis on 'pakikisama' or 'getting along'. Interpersonal skills are very important to Filipinos and this is why they excel in jobs that require getting along with other people. From waiters on cruise ships in Russia to doctors in Africa to teachers in America to maids in Hong Kong to fast food crews in the United Arab Emirates to singers and entertainers in Japan to nurses in the United States to crews in merchant marine fleets all over the world, Filipinos are renowned for their ability to get along with others. If you are looking for someone who is patient, caring, and willing to go the extra mile, you can't go wrong with Filipinas. Plus, if you are looking for someone who will stick by your side when the going gets rough, Filipinas are your best bet. If all the information above has made you ready to pull the trigger and pop the question, you need to know three key things about Filipinas before you decide to marry one. Just like with any other important decision in life, you have to decide when you have all the relevant information. This is what separates good decisions from decisions you regret later on making informed decisions.

As awesome as Filipinas are as romantic partners, they do come with cultural baggage. After all, just like with any other ethnic/cultural groupings of the human race, Filipino culture has many different sides and these are usually positive in most contexts. However, in certain contexts and settings, these same cultural traits can be negative and create a wedge between you and your beautiful, exquisite, and exotic lover from the Islands. Make sure you become very familiar with these cultural traits so you can avoid their negative aspects and steer them to work for you instead of against you. Once you are fully aware and familiar with these, you can then make an informed decision to go to the next level with your Filipina girlfriend and tie the knot. Knowing these items can help make your union a happy one that lasts forever. Remember: love can only go so far. However, with the right understanding, love can conquer all and last forever. It all begins with the right understanding.

Pinay Trait #1: Tampo

When a typical Filipina, born and raised in the Philippines, doesn't like something her partner did, she doesn't confront her partner. In fact, she does the opposite-she clams up. For guys from the United States, Europe or other Western nations, this can be quite annoying. In these cultures, people air out and resolve their differences by speaking up. For Pinays, they register their disapproval by shutting up. This drives many foreign guys from Western cultures crazy. Guys want to solve problems. That's why guys are the world's default Mr. Fix-its. Unfortunately, their drive to fix things get gunked up when their partner doesn't even tell them what is wrong. How can you fix something when you don't even know what to fix? Filipinas employ the 'silent treatment' or 'tampo' on their partners to punish their partners for something they disapprove of. Instead of airing out the problem, many non-Filipino guys feel that the problem is left to fester.

If you notice your Pinay girlfriend displaying this trait, the best thing you can do is to remain nice to her. Don't show that you are annoyed that she doesn't want to talk. Instead, let your actions do the talking. She will soon stop her tampo sulking and start talking. Don't try to pry. Let her take the lead. After she finally opens up, ask a lot of questions so you can get to the bottom of the issue and solve the problem together. Sure, this is an example of passive-aggressive behavior, and it can get quite annoying. Still, Filipino culture prides pakikisama so outright expressions of aggression and disapproval are not encouraged. Instead, passive-aggressive behavior like tampo and sulking are widely recognized as common, albeit annoying, ways of dealing with relationship conflicts.

Pinay Trait #2: You don't just marry a Filipina, you marry her clan

If you are reading this and your Filipina girlfriend is still in the Philippines, you have probably sent a 'balikbayan' box or two to her before. Or you may have sent her some cash via a remittance center in the past. If you have done either, don't worry-you'll be doing a lot more of that in the future. Why? Filipinas are devoted to their families. Unlike the typical Western concept of a nuclear family where the kids leave home when they turn 18, Filipinos maintain family bonds throughout their lives. In fact, in most Filipino families, kids are encouraged to stay at home until they get married. Indeed, in many families, the adult kids get married and raise their families with the parents of either the husband or the wife. Extended families are the norm rather than the extension. A typical Pinoy household includes the husband, the wife, their kids, and the in-laws from one side. In fact, for many Pinoy families, the in-laws from both sides live under the same roof. They are accompanied by unmarried children. It is not unusual to find uncles, aunts, grandparents, even great-grandparents sharing the same roof. This is the reason why most Pinoys are never depressed-there is always a rich emotional support network around. Filipinos are all about family. And this is what drives some foreign husbands of Pinays crazy.

Filipinas are so emotionally connected to their families in the Philippines that they have a tough time drawing boundaries. In fact, for many Filipinas abroad, they only need to hear that their cousin three times removed is in the hospital or is in debt for these Filipinas to dash off to the nearest Western Union or LBC remittance center to fire off some dollars, pounds, or euros in the direction of the family member. Indeed, many Filipinas who work as Overseas Filipino Workers (OFW) send the vast majority of their earnings to family back home. Many foreign husbands have a tough time dealing with this cultural trait of their Filipina wives. These foreigners complain that this behavior fosters dependency on the part of the relatives and causes a divide between husband and wife. To diffuse this situation, you have to be practical. You are not going to change your wife. Telling her to stop helping family back home is like telling her to chop off her arm. You have to be practical in dealing with this trait. In fact, if you play your cards right, you might even end up helping her family in such a way they stop asking for money.

The first step to 'fixing' economically dependent family members is to separate your money from your wife's money temporarily. You give your wife a fixed budget and she is more than free to give from her share. Once that pool is dried up, she can't ask for more until it gets replenished the following month. This way, your wife's habit of helping her family doesn't become a burden to your own family's finances. The next step is to come to an agreement with your wife regarding a 'teach a man to fish' philosophy. As you probably already know, if you give a man a fish, you feed him only for a day. If you teach him how to fish, you feed him for life. Make it clear to your wife that you are willing to help her family but make sure it is clear that you are only willing to help in ways that make them more financially independent of your wife. In other words, help your wife invest in the education of siblings. Instead of sending cash, send payments to the schools and convince your wife to demand proof of accountability like grades and good attendance records. If you play your cards right, you can help your wife become an agent of change in the lives of her family and they can become more financially independent of your wife. Of course, once certain family members have graduated, there should be a firm understanding that there is an end to all the financial aid. They should be in a good enough position to help other members of the family.

Pinay trait #3: Children become the center of your family's world

Right now, you and your Filipina girlfriend are enjoying each other's company. You are the center of her world and she is the center of yours. You have a great time together and things are very convenient since everything you do as a couple revolves around your personal schedules. This all changes once you have kids. While American and European women do devote a certain share of their personal lives to their children, they still focus on career and have some time left for their husbands. Not with many Filipinas. Once a Filipina has a child, the child becomes the center of the family. This might come as a shock to many Western foreigners and, indeed, can cause quite a few divorces and breakups. The husband just can't get over the fact that he is no longer the center of his wife's world.

Filipino culture places a heavy importance on children. Indeed, a large collection of Filipino words involving family relationships use the word 'anak' or 'offspring' as its root. That is how seriously Filipinos take children. Usually, this isn't a problem when a Pinay marries a Filipino because Filipino men share the same values. Many Pinoy men even let their wives work while they take care of the children and the house chores. Not so with Western foreign men. While children are important, they don't displace the couple in terms of emotional focus.

How do you deal with this trait? Play a bigger role in your children's upbringing and split childcare duties with your wife. Your wife will see the importance you take in your children and this will draw you closer to her. Even after the kids leave the nest, this renewed and strengthened bond will persist. Don't let your children become a wedge. Instead, view child-rearing as an opportunity to strengthen your bonds as a couple.